I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
