his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
