The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
