I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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