Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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