I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
