i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
