I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
