Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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