I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
