i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
