My hand turned me down
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
