just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
