My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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