It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
