we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
