She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
