I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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