can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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