6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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