Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize