You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
