I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
