sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
