i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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