everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
