She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
