Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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