Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
