picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
