i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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