This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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