Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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