she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
