I faked an abortion last night.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
