why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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