I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
