I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize