i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
