"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
