i permit you to call me
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
