Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
