Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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