I wish I could teleport
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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