I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
