He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
