The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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