I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He felt like a one man threesome
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There's always time for handjobs
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
