You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
