I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
They took my balls.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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