Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
