I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
