Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
