So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
