He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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