A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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