We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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