you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
