I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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