Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The power of my boobs compel you
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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