Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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